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[05 Nov 2009|09:01pm] |
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Almost two months.. well I'm suprised for both of us.. Having you was like being blind and having sight for only a breif moment..it has made me more bitter about the possibility of happiness.. I dont understand.. maybe I never will.. Why God places people so perfectly and why we choose to walk away...
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[23 Oct 2009|07:59pm] |
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I am your passenger.. but you barely know.. that I am here right beside you on every turn.. on every road..time like highway keeps going on and on.. and it brings me closer to you..
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| Stoned. |
[26 Sep 2009|03:34pm] |
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There are moments spent with this person that are so intense..completly innocent.. but so deep.. its a connection I've never felt with a person.. its all in the eye.. those blue irises that I can't seem to get out of.. he is a language I find beautiful but that I cant understand.. a name but not a name.. a puzzle not quite pieced right.. because I know me.. and I know my attractions.. I know my weakness in this.. I am fortunate for having a cold heart.. and cursed with skeptism.. he has washed up to soon on the shore.. I fear I may have to throw him back.. I dont need to be the carrier of another mans broken heart.
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[25 Sep 2009|03:25am] |
Can this short amount of time really provide me with such happiness.. where did this person come from and why did it take me so long to see him through the cloud.
I have to either break a lease or urge him to leave..
still deciding on grad school..
maybe need a new job.. but somehow for the moment it is working.
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| holy day holy ways |
[20 Sep 2009|05:14am] |
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Its five am on Sunday morning.. I am sitting in the dark waiting for light to peak through the horizon. I am a complete and utter mess. I have two people in my same house that are pulling me in seperate directions.. one person whom I've grown to love and take care of, and another a stranger really.. who has honestly captured my fascination and who encompasses everything I once idealized in a person.. I have never felt so weak.. I have never felt like a bad person until this moment. This clear brigh shiny fucked moment. Where do I go from here.
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| Age |
[13 Sep 2009|07:31am] |
Growing up the only person I ever wanted to be was my aunt. I spent every weekend over her house doing everything she did in hopes of becoming a strong, independent, well rounded person. Last night I saw my aunt for the first time in six months, and she is now an addict.
My sense of well being vanished and left me empty.
I have dealt my whole life with my mother being an alcoholic and I reasoned that by saying she was weak.. this person however was ten times as tough as me and still fell hard.. I honestly know that in reality I am all I have with every person in my family simply fading away and fading out I know that its only a matter of time..
Along side of that I know leaving is the most humane thing I can do now. He isn't going to change and his best isn't good enough. I think sometimes maybe I'll die alone, because no one wants me if I cant be their care taker. Youth is a fire that only burns so long. I have become to emotionally detached for my own good and now I can't shut it off. This is going to be a hard road to travel.
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| Timing is everything. |
[05 Sep 2009|06:21pm] |
I am never content with what I have.
I am a tease and its a mindfuck.
I am selfish.
I am a broken.
I barely know your dreams from realities.
You tell me your a bad person..
You can't even compare to the bad I have inside me
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| Monday morning in hindsight |
[29 Aug 2009|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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You daze into me daring
Asking me a thousand questions without sound.. all phrases of open ended questions. My pity lays hard into you. Echoed in this morning is your sense of abandonment covered thinnly by my sense of shame. You smell to me is of cedar and charcoal like summer once loved but always fleeting.. like my own heart in flutter but always breaking. I left you there on the sidewalk of my yesterday.. I never would see your true light shine again. All goodness has been emptied from you. The happiness I remember is like the smile of a child before it know pain. Your prickly thorns and your aged charm. My body stands here still and silent as if to only understand you. Why..why.. why do you keep haunting me?
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| 4:05 orange glow |
[22 Aug 2009|05:24pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I sat last night in the small circle of people I've become close to. I thought of the hurt that filled me. I thought of all the pain that filled them. I was grateful. The hookah, the green, the rum and the night filled them with comfort. My sobrity filled me with insight. I find that the fact that I am miserable to be childish. I find my life on paper to be wonderful routine. In my mind I wish to go back to the sea and lay on the sand. It is there that his love filled me, the sun warmed me and that endless space of salt and water filled me with calm, peace and divinity. I only find saddness in their song. I don't know if I see love in their eyes or pity. Its a hard emotion to measure.
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| 2:27am |
[17 Jun 2009|02:15am] |
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Today is the two year mark of the person I am seeing. I don't feel anymore sure about the relationship as I did when it first started. It was a relationship of convience and timing.You never really love again anyway..not after the first time.. its just making the motions and filling up space. I've learned I'm not loyal to anyone and I can't be happy unless I'm alone. I don't know how much longer I can be someones mother.. how long can I carry everyones burdens without being crushed under the weight of it all. I am trying to be as raw about reality as I possibly can. Little by little I'm finding more ways to disappear into myself..all seeds of rationally seem to exsist only for a fraction of a second. This cant be what I was meant for.I can't just keep waiting for that moment that picture of an end. I have given myself a time limit for everything in my life.. what happens when everything is done and I'm still left supporting broken people. I have failed many times in my life and I've done amazing things that I will never be proud of.. because even in my sober world everything is hazy. It might as well be all up in smoke. I really thought things would get easier with time, however they just grow roots. All it takes is one single seed of despair and its all over.
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